The media overreacts to everything, but sports hold a special place in the overreactor’s heart. This year, almost everyone has blown the first two days of the NBA season out of epic proportions.
Here are my overreactions for each team, many of which haven’t even played yet. I don’t actually believe 99 percent of this stuff.
The Lakers are done.
The Heat will win 72 games.
The Celtics are too old to win a single playoff series.
Anthony Davis will win defensive player of the year, MVP. DID YOU SEE HIS STAT LINE AGAINST THE SPURS?! He won’t win rookie of the year, though, because:
DAMIAN LILLARD DESTROYED THE LAKERS AND HE’S THE ROOKIE OF THE YEAR!
The Rockets are this year’s western Cinderella.
The Thunder made the worst mistake of their existence trading James Harden. They won’t make the Western Conference finals.
The Memphis Grizzlies cute run is disgustingly over.
The Knicks will lead the league in broken hips.
The Nets will win the Atlantic division.
Atlanta, a team that’s been the 4/5 seed in the East for the past million years, doesn’t have the talent to make the playoffs.
THE BOBCATS WOULD LOSE TO KENTUCKY IF THEY PLAYED, but that’s ok, because:
ORLANDO WOULD LOSE TO OAK HILL ACADEMY!!1!11!!1
The Sixers are better than the Knicks.
The Pacers totally don’t need Danny Granger to compete in the playoffs.
Kyrie Irving makes Cleveland a playoff team.
John Wall can’t point guard a contender.
DETROIT IS SO GOOD WITH GREG MONROE AND ANDRE DRU… what? They lost their first game? Never mind. They’re a lottery team again.
The Bulls are better without Derrick Rose.
Nikola Pekovic is the next big Euro-star.
Golden State will make the playoffs. And be higher than the eighth seed. And win a series. Against a heavily favored opponent. And the team that loses will be declared forever done by overreactors like me.
The Suns will never recover from Steve Nash’s departure.
The Raptors will never recover from signing Landry Fields in an attempt to land Steve Nash (I actually believe this one).
The Spurs will win the West.
Demarcus Cousins is the best center in the league.
Gordon Hayward. Yeah. YEAH.
OJ Mayo will have the best year of his career.
THE NUGGETS WILL SCORE 200 POINTS PER GAME.
Chris Paul won’t re sign with the Clippers because he so seriously wants to ball with Melo in New York.
It’s impossible to overact to anything Milwaukee Bucks related. They’re consistently bad enough to not make the playoffs, but good enough to contend for the eighth seed every year. I just can’t do it.